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Is Unforgiveness ever Justified?
When the topic of forgiveness comes up, people often ask, “What if the other person refuses to apologize? Do I still have to forgive them?” Sometimes people wrong us but are not sorry. The Bible says if someone asks for forgiveness we must forgive, but what if they are not repentant?
This is a good question and is something every person will have to deal with throughout their life. I’ve touched on this a bit from my life’s experience, but since letting go of wrongs can be difficult, we need to look at this question from a biblical perspective as well. When we stop and look at it from a wider perspective, I’m confident you’ll see why it’s necessary to forgive – period. We can’t hold those who wrong us to a higher standard than we want to be held to. Jesus addressed this concept in Matthew 7:1-2
1 “Judge not, that you be not judged.
2 “For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.
This is not saying we shouldn’t use good judgment or evaluate right from wrong, but that we must judge based on the standard we are willing to stand upon. How many unconfessed sins have I committed in my life? Wrong thoughts, selfish motives, words of offense to others, or any number of other things. We are all guilty. Do we want to judge ourselves for our unconfessed transgressions? Do we want to live under the burden of the Old Covenant?
If I want to live under the law, I cannot experience the fullness of grace. Not only can I not measure up to God’s standard by my own performance, I also cannot demand someone else to measure up to performance based righteousness. Can I expect to walk in the joy of God’s grace while demanding others to fulfill the law? Is this not what God is addressing in Romans 2:1-8
1 Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are who judge, for in whatever you judge another you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.
2 But we know that the judgment of God is according to truth against those who practice such things.
3 And do you think this, O man, you who judge those practicing such things, and doing the same, that you will escape the judgment of God?
4 Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?
5 But in accordance with your hardness and your impenitent heart you are treasuring up for yourself wrath in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God,
6 who “will render to each one according to his deeds”:
7 eternal life to those who by patient continuance in doing good seek for glory, honor, and immortality;
8 but to those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness — indignation and wrath,
Think about the weight of this passage. Those who judge are condemning themselves, for they are doing the same things. When we judge someone else unworthy of forgiveness, we are also judging ourselves unworthy, for we do the same things. When I refuse to forgive, I am despising the goodness of God. Though I may think I am holding my neighbor accountable, in truth I’m rejecting God’s grace and demanding to live under the law. I am the judge against my own behaviors.
My judgment is not because God was unwilling to forgive, but because I was unwilling to forgive. Instead of storing up for myself the treasures of heaven, I am storing up for myself judgment by which I will stand before God to answer for my guilt. And I will be my own condemner as God allows me to judge myself by the standard I have demanded.
As stated before, this is not the loss of salvation, but the forfeiture of my rewards and inheritance. I cannot inherit from the law, for the law and any works done under human standards will not survive the judgment seat of Christ. See 2 Corinthians 5:10 and 1 Corinthians 3:11-15.
Anyone who doesn’t recognize their own sin is blind, prideful, and still in their sins. If I think I’m guiltless, I’m a fool. How many times have I said thoughtless things to my wife, kids, or those around me? Sometimes I don’t even realize I have done this. Other times I have realized it, but just didn’t think it was a big enough deal to address it. If they didn’t say anything, I assume it didn’t bother them. But often they are wounded in silence. Can I now declare my neighbor guilty because he or she failed to apologize to me? If I do, then I am now holding myself to that same works-based religious standard.
What about our hidden sins? As we have seen, Jesus said, any who have ever looked upon someone to lust after them has committed adultery in their heart. Any who are greedy are thieves. Those who are covetous are idolaters. Those who hate are murderers. My life consistently fails to stand up to God’s requirement of perfection. But in the grace of God given through Christ, I am forgiven and I walk in newness of life. Yet, I have not combed through my past and confessed every sin. That’s impossible. It is my life that has repented and everything is taken out of the way when I look to the cross.
Yet Jesus warned His disciples that if they hold their neighbor accountable and demand judgment, they are living according to the legal standards of the Law. The law has no mercy, it only condemns. But we are not under the law. We are under grace. And now we have the command to love from the perspective of grace.
So the argument of some is that the story of Jesus and the wicked servant is how the man asked for forgiveness and was denied. While this is true, it isn’t the point of the parable. The point of the parable is that we stand upon grace and God requires us to love others with the love He has given to us.
No exceptions are given. He didn’t say the onus is on our brother to ask. The onus is on us to forgive from our heart – not based on our brother’s worthiness, but based on God’s abundant mercies shown to us. God is not required to honor any loophole we think we can find in His word. The issue is we must forgive from the heart, not out of obligation once a set of rules has satisfied us.
The servant held his neighbor to a higher standard than God held him to. So if someone wants to hold their neighbor accountable for unconfessed wrongs, fine. They should be aware that they are placing themselves under the same standard of law. Under that standard, they must go through every minute of their lives and identify every sin they have ever committed. They must then confess them to God and find the person wronged or they thought evil toward, and confess to them. This isn’t only actions, but thoughts, sins of omissions, words, and even wicked emotions such as lust, jealousy, covetousness, envy, hatred, and unjustified anger.
To demand this method of religion is utterly foolish. A person under this system will never have joy, never have peace, never have unity, and will never experience intimacy with God. God forgives, shows mercy, and pours out His grace through the Spirit. But that can’t be experienced by the one who lives according to the law. That person is still in the flesh and not in the Spirit.
Hopefully you can see the value of forgiveness. Not only does God show you mercy, but God empowers you to rise above your harmful emotions and strengthens you to forgive. When you forgive, anger will attempt to rise up again, but you must cast it out. Look to the Lord for strength and refuse to allow anger, hatred, and bitterness to rule over you. Forgive, bless, pray for, and do good to those who have wronged you, and the Lord will reward you.
This is God’s desire – to reward you. One of the greatest rewards is the peace of God which will reign in your heart, but this isn’t where the reward ends. Forgiveness releases you from the harmful emotions which rule you, so forgiveness is just as much an act of God’s mercy toward you as it is of your mercy toward another – and more so.
When you forgive, you are putting yourself in a right relationship with God and stepping onto the path of God’s purpose for your life. Forgiveness is a giant leap toward peace and joy. Forgiveness is not only a commandment, but it is necessary for your own emotional and physical health.
Examine Yourself.
We’ve looked at the reasons why forgiveness is necessary, but it’s also important to examine ourselves and see if there is anyone we need to forgive. Begin now and search your past. When you think of someone, does your stomach tighten or your heart ache?
Ideally, we want reconciliation; however, this is not always possible. It takes two to reconcile, but only takes your willing heart to step into a life of forgiveness. Do you need to forgive a parent, relative, betrayal of a friend, or the harm caused by a stranger? Remember, God has promised healing and blessings to those who forgive. It won’t be easy, but the rewards are great.
When we refuse to forgive, we give our enemies or those who have wronged us power over our emotions, and ultimately our lives. Forgiveness takes the burden off our hearts and places it on God’s shoulders, where it belongs.
Don’t lose sight of the example of Christ. Though He was betrayed by a close friend, rejected by His own people, tried for a crime He didn’t commit, and executed by a Roman governor who testified, “I find no wrong in this man,” He forgave.
On the cross Christ declared, “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they do.” They knew what they were doing to Him, but they were blinded by human nature. Foolishly, they allowed their own misguided ideas to drive their emotions into hatred. Then all they could see was that Jesus was a threat to their desires and personal beliefs. Their understanding did not go beyond the quest for self-fulfillment.
Some of the very people who demanded Jesus’ death later came to faith in Christ and found God’s mercies. Though Christ was persecuted and reviled, He didn’t lash back in return. He committed Himself to the Father, who judges righteously. And what does our Heavenly Father desire most? Reconciliation and forgiveness.
When we commit the wrongs against us to our Heavenly Father, it is an act of faith. We are acknowledging our own need and are recognizing God has the right to show mercy to those who have wronged us – just as He reconciled us, who have wronged Him.
Don’t forget that a single sin separates us from our God, for all sin is a challenge to His right to require His creation to live according to His character and nature. We are created in God’s image, but we fall short of this standard when we turn from God and choose our own ways. Since one sin causes us to fall away from God’s image and perfection, reconciliation must go through the cross. On the cross, Jesus was credited with our sins so we could be credited with His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21).
This means any sin you or I commit is responsible for putting Christ on the cross. We are responsible for His suffering and death; therefore, what wrong can we endure that is greater than condemning Jesus and putting Him to death on the cross?
Forgiveness is an act of faith because we are putting our trust in God to handle the situation according to His own wisdom. It’s saying, “God I trust you to make this situation right. I can only see this from my limited perspective, but you see the good you’re going to bring through this.”
In the Old Testament, Joseph’s brothers hated him with such passion that they could not say a peaceable word to him. They wanted to murder him, but when they saw a band of traders passing by, they decided it would be better to make a little money off him, so they sold him as a slave. They coldly ignored his anguished cries and rejoiced that the brother they hated was gone. Heartlessly, they conjured up a story to make their father believe Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Grief almost destroyed their father, but they held to their story.
In the end, God blessed Joseph and exalted him to become the governor of Egypt. In hindsight, we see God was preparing the way for Joseph’s family to be delivered from a coming famine. When all things were concluded, Joseph was in a position of authority and could have brought vengeance down on his brothers. Instead he looked at the plan of God and said, “You meant this for harm, but God meant it for good.”
The Lord used the hate of Joseph’s brothers as a tool to test Joseph, shape his character, and then bless his life in ways that would not have been possible if he had stayed in the safety of his home. But one important thing to note is Joseph’s forgiveness. He acknowledged the wrong, but then credited it to God. It was something God not only allowed, but He orchestrated these events so Joseph could ultimately find the goodness of the Lord, and be in a spiritual condition to receive it. He forgave his brothers and became a blessing to them.
Joseph forgave because he took his eyes off the wrong and looked to God’s plan. By looking at the bigger picture of God’s plan, Joseph could see the hand of God through the hardships, pain, and then through his exaltation. If his anger had bound him to the wrongs done, Joseph would have been blind to the work of God. He would have then fought against God’s plan instead of being an instrument of blessing.
Could God have used Joseph if he hadn’t trusted the Lord enough to forgive?
Knowing Joseph was in a position where he could now retaliate, his brothers were living in fear, but Joseph spoke kindly to them. “Fear not,” he said. “Though you meant it for evil, God meant it for good. It was necessary to save the lives of many. I will take care of you and nourish you and your families.”
At no time in Joseph’s life do you see bitterness. In fact, his positive attitude caused him to find favor in each situation – including several years when he was wrongfully in prison.
Forgiveness is also an acknowledgement of our need. I need forgiveness. I need God’s mercies. I recognize I’m not upright in all my ways. I want to be, but I fall short. Because I recognize my need, I also recognize the importance of not holding others to a standard I don’t want applied to my own life. Forgiveness is an acknowledgement of God’s mercy over me. I forgive because I have been forgiven.
Unforgiveness reveals the opposite. When I refuse to forgive, I am declaring that I don’t recognize my own need, and therefore do not acknowledge the greatness of God’s mercy and grace toward me.
Unforgiveness is my declaration that God doesn’t have the right to put me through hardships in order to use me to be an instrument of blessing in His miraculous plan. It is to say my temporary comfort is more valuable than God’s eternal plan. It is to say, I’d rather have short-term comfort than be patient enough to see the salvation of the Lord – and have the blessing of being part of that salvation.
I cannot plead for mercy in my own life and then demand justice in the life of others. Consider James 2:13
For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
What a beautiful passage! Mercy triumphs over judgment. When you and I forgive, we are showing mercy. The other person has committed a wrong and is indebted to me – whether they realize it or not. But because I have been shown mercy and God forgave me all that debt, I recognize the necessity to show God’s mercy to others.
This is what Jesus was saying in the parable about the two servants. The one with so great a debt couldn’t see his own need.
Instead of holding our grudge as a demand for payment for a wrong, we release it to the Lord, trusting in His mercies – both to us, and to the one we are forgiving. Not only are you setting that person free, but you are setting yourself free as well. The cage of bitterness opens and you walk out. Then you are free from the chains of bitterness and your debt has now been overcome by mercy.
Let me reiterate what was stated in the last chapter. Forgiveness is essential for emotional, spiritual, and often for physical health.
Self-Forgiveness
What if the person we cannot forgive is ourselves?
Our past can weigh heavily on our hearts. I worked with a man with a difficult personality. At times he was a nice guy, but he quickly became broody and snapped at people for little annoyances, and sometimes without provocation. One day we decided to sit with him and share God’s forgiveness.
He said, “Let me explain why I get angry over the slightest stress. When you squeeze an orange, you get orange juice. When you squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice.” We looked at him, confused about what he was talking about. Then he said, “Don’t you get it? When someone is stressed, what comes out is what is inside. I used to have a family. I had an affair and lost my wife and my kids hate me. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I blame myself and for years I have been angry at myself. That’s what’s inside and that is what comes out when I feel any pressure.”
It was a surprising show of self-awareness. Unfortunately, he could not accept forgiveness because he felt unforgiveable, and would not budge from his desire to punish himself.
When we understand our wrongs, one of three things happen. We either go into self-denial and convince ourselves that we are innocent or self-justified, or we fall into guilt and self-condemnation. Then that internal guilt creates a new form of bitterness, depression, or self-loathing.
But there is a third option. We have the invitation of God to cast our cares upon Him, and receive His forgiveness. Then we can walk in life instead of regret.
The Apostle Paul was such a person. He was very zealous for the Old Testament law. He viewed Christianity as a threat to God, and took it upon himself to destroy the way of faith in Christ. In his later testimony, he said that he got authorization from the governing authorities to find anyone who was of ‘the way’, and bring them back to be executed. He even said, “I would hail them in their houses,” and “I compelled them to blaspheme.”
In other words, he would go into a suspected Christian’s house and give them a greeting that, if they replied to, would tell him that they were Christians. Then he would do everything in his power to get them to speak against their faith and say blasphemous things about Christ. He not only wanted to execute them but wanted to utterly destroy their faith by any means necessary. Paul was an evil person.
He had letters of authorization in his hands as he traveled to Damascus to arrest Christians. On the way, he encountered a light brighter than the sun, and heard Jesus confront him. “Paul, why are you persecuting Me?” Jesus compared his efforts to kicking against the thorns. It was fruitless and painful. Paul was blinded by that light until God removed the blindness, and called Paul into the ministry of the faith he once destroyed.
Paul had a lot of regret. When he tried to join the other disciples of Christ, no one trusted him. He ended up spending fourteen years in the desert, studying the scriptures and learning of God. Then Barnabas came to find him and introduced him to the other apostles.
The beginning of the church started with Jewish believers. Paul was never accepted by these formerly persecuted disciples, but God used this to send Paul to the Gentiles (or non-Jewish world). He became the apostle of the Gentiles, and spread the gospel farther than anyone else in history.
Paul did not have the opportunity to find all those lives and families he destroyed, and apologize. He could have spent his life fruitlessly trying to right every wrong. But he finally grasped God’s purpose and said two things. “I count everything I once valued as trash,” and “I am forgetting the things that are behind as I press toward the high calling of Christ.”
He could not fix his past. He had to come to the realization that his old life had to be relegated to the trash heap of the past. Then he looked to Christ and set his focus on the purpose of what God was calling him to do. He was in a new life where now all things are new, and he was a new creation. Without burying his past, he could not reach ahead to what God was giving him. God forgave, then called Paul to let go of his old sins and receive new life and God’s gift of righteousness.
The same is true for us. Sometimes we feel guilty, and feel the need to punish ourselves by carrying the weight of the trash of the past as if we can make up for mistakes by burdening our minds today. This is not the way of faith, and God is calling you out of this way of thinking.
Your calling – and commandment of God – is to give Him the past and receive the present promises He guarantees. The only thing you can give God is the trash of your old sins. God gladly receives this act of faith, takes the mistakes of your past, and throws it into the trash heap He is burying. Once you have empty hands, you can then receive what God is giving you.
Whether unforgiveness is against another person, or against yourself, it is a burden of trash that you carry, and until you release it, you can’t receive the new way of life you have been called to. You also have a high calling of Christ. You are invited to press ahead toward Him and His calling for you. Or you can choose to keep dragging past wrongs and mistakes as you stumble through life.
Forgiveness – even self-forgiveness – is critical. Until you let go, you can’t reach ahead. Promises are ahead. The curse of wrongs must first be released before you can reach ahead. In front of you is God’s invitation. He has new life prepared for you, but you have to drop the old before you can have empty hands to receive your new abundant life of promise.
Life Applications
- Memorize Matthew 7:1-2
- Think about something in your life God forgave you of. Thank God for showing mercy.
- Read Isaiah 14:12-15.
- Read Proverbs 16:18
- Read James 4:6-8
- What was the cause of Satan’s (Lucifer’s) fall?
- How does pride blind us to our own destructive behaviors?
- Think upon the ways that pride interferes with your obedience to God.
- Think about how pride prevents us from forgiving.
- Repent – or turn from – your own pride, confess this sin to God, and pray for a willing heart to forgive others.
Submit to God that you may experience the power to resist temptation – including pride.